Tired
Meh. Things feel a bit off. This blog isn't funny anymore, and I'm not sure anyone reads it except a few doting grandparents. I actually don't know who traverses which parts of cyberspace. I've never joined Facebook, and as a result, I have the feeling that I am slowly losing friendships with people who used to communicate in other ways but now no longer do. Precious as friendships are to me (as most of you know), I'm still not willing to join Facebook. A conundrum.
I find myself getting home from work and having a hard time being mentally present for the kids. I need some space-out time, and I'm not good at jumping right into the most energy-demanding part of the day. I can't fool them by just being near them--watching a movie together, or taking a walk together, or going to the playground. I can't knit on the couch while they dance to Fantasia. They know my mind is still elsewhere, and that's the part they want. It's not enough, either, to ask them questions about their days at school while they have a snack. They don't want the third degree--they want to live in the moment by launching fun and games with mom. I hate the feeling that I'm putting off their "come look at this!" with "in a minute" or their ideas with "we'll have to do that this weekend--there's not enough time tonight," but truth be told, I just can't snap into gear. Only at the dinner table or later when we read at bedtime do I feel like I'm wholly theirs.
Edith's room is a disaster, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't put all the blame on her for not putting her things away, because there's just nowhere to put them. Major reorganization and weeding out is needed. When and how to do that without inciting tears and protests, I don't know.
School will soon be coming to an end, and we don't have Edith registered for any camps yet. I feel ambivalent about them, to be honest. Tom and I absolutely need work time this summer. But none of our work will be paid, making the time-money tradeoff not so good. More to the point, I believe in some downtime over the summer. And while I want Edith to have some enrichment opportunities that are truly enriching, I don't want her to feel shuttled off to a variety of randomly selected camps, bounced from new group to new group each week. That wouldn't feel congenial to me--indeed, I disliked most daycamps when I was a kid--and I think it will feel even less so to my shyer daughter. As for the specialty camps, carefully designed by credentialed people around particular skills or themes, I find I am resisting what feels like the frantic, enroll-them-in-everything bandwagon, as parents start fashioning their well-rounded, pre-packaged college applicants--or maybe just divining their children's hidden genius. The people rushing from lesson to practice to game just don't look happy, and I don't want that for our family. But yes, I do want Edith to have a rich, meaningful childhood. (And I do want her to get into college someday.) Baffled by it all, I've done nothing yet.
Blah. Perhaps the problem in all these cases is the same: I'm just tired. I finished the academic year yesterday (or at least, the classwork portion of it--there are just 16 research projects to grade standing between me and my own summer research), and perhaps all this is post-game letdown. Our last classes let out at noon, and about half an hour later, as I stood in line at the deli for a sandwich, my body almost literally seemed to be melting into the floor. The seniors were gathered on the quad cheering and downing a bottle of champagne each, but the faculty hardly broke a smile, we all were so weary. (Plus, we had just two hours after class ended to get in senior grades, at this crazy place where classes end Wednesday and graduation is the same weekend.)
My body actually began shutting down a bit early. This past Monday morning, when my students were completing final research projects, I put Edith on the schoolbus and waved goodbye to Tom and Alice, then went back into the house to get dressed for work...and woke up only when Tom and Alice were coming back through the door.
It has been a wonderful year, and I'm very proud of what I managed at my job. I feel it was important work, and all in all, I feel it was work done well. I learned a ton, and I look forward to continuing to learn, to refine, and to deepen what I can do as a teacher, in conjunction with these students and these colleagues.
But even the happy marathoner isn't dancing in the street to express her pride at the finish line. She's sitting on the curb, or lying in the recovery tent.
It has been a year of 65-75-hour work-weeks. That's the paid work, of course, not the parenting. I started the fall going to bed each night at 3 or 4 am, or, when I couldn't manage, going to bed at 10 pm and getting up at 2 am to resume class prep. By the end of the year things had gotten a bit more sane, but still, a typical day this spring has been
5-8am parenting
8am-5pm at work
5-8:30pm parenting
9pm-1am working
1:30, (sometimes 3), and 5am waking with Alice
Each weekend includes at least one day of work. It's pretty brutal-looking, written out like that. In fact, it's amazing I love it as much as I do, really.
But yes, I could use a vacation. If only to be able to come back and give my children the full attention they deserve.
Never mind the summer research...
14 comments:
You do sound tired! Perhaps a bit of babysitting next week will do you well. :)
Oh, my goodness. Well, you work too much (which you know). And the blog is funny, but that's never been its source of enjoyment for me. I love keeping up with your family, and reading your excellent writing. Your sense of humor is absolutely appreciated, but more so because we care about the people involved.
In any case, your schedule sounds brutal. I can relate (although mine has gotten better in the last few years). My only advice is on the lines of Hobokener, which is to exchange money for time/energy. I don't mean to sound cavalier with cash - we don't have any to speak of - but I'll spend what we don't have to buy sanity and marital accord (which comes for me in the form of outsourcing housework and the parts of child care that I don't like, especially if sleep is an option.)
In any case, I completely understand if you don't have the time or emotional energy to write the blog anymore, but please know it will be missed! And yes, I'm a facebook fan - it's an easy way to keep up with a lot of people with (potentially) minimal effort. Although, of course, it can become a massive time suck quite easily, so you're not wrong to resist the tide.
- C
I love reading your blog. And I'm sorry you're so tired -- everything just always feels so much harder when tired. Too soon for a summer at Farm & Wilderness... but I find myself wondering about the summer research. How important is it? Can you get enough done in 2 months (instead of 3, say) to just spend June down-timing-it and hanging present-ly with the girls? (i.e. sleep and knit while they're at school, and play in the afternoons?)
For me, sometimes even just deciding that I can cut something out (i.e. deciding that I don't *have* to do what I thought I did) gives me the freedom to recoup a little and often actually still get (much of) it done... partly because I often end up not needing quite as much down time as I think I will, and mostly, because said project starts to feel like a choice again, and becomes more appealing and motivating than before.
I'd say the research is make or break at this point. (That is, "break" may be the only long-term possibility, if this week's article in The Nation about the total collapse of jobs in higher ed is to be believed, but if there's any room at all for a "make" it's going to depend on research.) And actually, I'm looking forward to it, so that's not a problem in itself. But you did help clarify, wamnny--it's not the press of looming onerous obligations getting me down, because the summer really doesn't look that bad. (Provided we figure out childcare, that is.) This is all just fatigue at what has been, I guess.
Oh, and it will be nice when Alice starts sleeping through the night. Every time I hear reminders that the workload doesn't let up after year 1 at a SLAC the same way it does at a RU, I think, "Yeah, but at least I'll have children who both sleep someday, and THAT will be different."
Woosh. Your searing honesty hits home to a lot of us tired mommies... I'm tired and I only have one kid, a dog and part-time work from home job! How cushy life feels from here! What i know from friends in the academy is that the 1st year is the hardest, even if your school has a schedule that sounds unbelievably hard for any professor. Here's hoping next year might include a class or two that is a repeat so that some lesson plans can be revised, but not totally written from scratch?
I also second (or third) the suggestion of a bit of childcare. Most of my sad little paycheck goes to Stel's preschool time, and although we scrape by at the end of the month, the sanity is worth every penny. Whether the price tag is worth a line on my CV, I'll guess I'll have to see if and when I get a job. Although mor-mor was just there, it sounds like another trip by your mom might be a nice break - if she can take a week to give you even the tiniest break this summer. This is really why they say it takes a village, eh?
Wow. I'm exhausted just reading this. By the way, I think Hobokener was implying that we'll watch the kids while you do something super-fun, like nap, no pay necessary. :)
Seriously, is there any way for this to let up? There is NO WAY I would be able to do what you're doing without getting seriously ill.
And I always read your blog, by the way. But you really should try Facebook...it's not so bad...
Agree with C -- if this blog feels like a chore with little payoff, you should in no way feel obligated to keep it up -- but I do love reading it! I fear I may be one of those guilty of less communication outside of Facebook these days, although in some ways it's also a question of feeling hesitant about making demands on your clearly non-existent free time. Will try to do better, though.
You sound utterly wiped out, and for good reason. I'm sorry to hear it. I hope, even if you can't take a full month as wamnny suggests, that there's room for a week or so break before you launch into your summer work. Take this coming week, while Edith still has school, to catch up on sleep, knitting, contemplating room organization solutions, etc., mainly taking it easy if you can. I don't know how you've made it this far, to be honest. It's exhausting just to read it. I admire your ability to soldier on. Try to forgive yourself over some of those moments where you feel you're not present, though -- no one could be expected to be, under the conditions you've been managing under. The girls may not quite get it, but we do. You are doing an incredible job, all things considered.
Try and take care of yourself for a bit now that your academic year is done, okay? Sending you virtual hugs. Miss you.
C very eloquently said everything I wanted to. And I relate all-too-well to the trade-offs of non-paying (but necessary) work and child care. I hope you can polish off that grading and get a serious, real break. Then regroup and see how things look.
If you took a blogging break, Matilda and I would be waiting for you on the other side!
Sending ether-hugs... I hope you've had a chance to take a good long nap, get some exercise, and read a book. Or some subset of those. And that you'll have the time to do more of those things, plus a bit of home organization and some planning for the summer, over the next few days, despite the 16 projects piled on your desk.
I'd be sad if you stopped blogging, but would absolutely understand (as evidenced by our own languishing blog). FB isn't terrible, if one sets reasonable boundaries.
Is night-weaning an option? Or is it not about milk when A. wakes up?
In any case, beaming you buckets of hugs and sympathy and support.
Oh Gretchen - I feel you exhaustion and fully understand the balancing act - not easy. But...it does end. And it does get better - trust me. One thing I can share and you can do what you will with it - but it worked for me when I had three little ones. The basic "rule" in our house was - when mom gets home she needs half an hour. 30 minutes of my own. Sometimes I would have a beloved cup of tea in another room. Or a shower. Read a book sitting on my bed - and sometimes promptly fall asleep for a little power nap - Jerry would wake me at the 30 minute mark. But it was MY time. After that believe it or not, I was good to go - second wind so to speak. And although the girls fussed at first they quickly realized that if I got that 30 minutes I was there for them for a much longer period of time. And, take up the offer for some childcare here. I know mothers feel guilty but children are rarely feeling what we think they are. When mine were little I had two friend with children the same age and we traded - not oftem, sometimes just once a week or a few times a month - but it made all the difference in the world because I really looked forward to those times - much like my 30 minutes. Made me a better mom. Love to all,
Crystal
I will weigh in with my comments, too. I look forward to reading your blog, to seeing what all of you are up to. I also enjoy getting your perspective on the academic life, because I gather that we have made (and continue to make) many similar parenting choices...choices that have an effect on our work, as well.
For me, my second year at a SLAC was harder, but I also had a new baby. Once Daniel began waking a little less at night (at age 2, he still wakes usually once in the middle of the night, and makes the transfer to our bed), I started to feel like a new person--Wow! This is what six hours of sleep can feel like! Amazing! After getting a fragmented 4 hours of sleep (or less) for so long (because he would nurse so much in the middle of the night), things seemed a little bit luxurious again.
We realized that daycare in the summer is something we need a little of, so we can really enjoy the time we spend together as a family, rather than trading off parenting days so we can get work done in the summer. That said, we take a "break" from day care for about 1 1/2 - 2 months, which saves a little money and allows us to visit faraway family (which is all of our family...)without worrying about how much day care we are "wasting." I know not every program will allow such flexibility in the summers, but we have been very lucky with picking our stop/start dates in the summer, as well as choosing to do only 2 days a week (instead of 5) in August.
Your schedule has been brutal this past year--I am with the previous posters on this point, for certain. I simply cannot function after about 11 pm at night, and simply give up.
I will keep checking in semi-regularly, if you decide to keep blogging. If you ever decide to move over to the "dark side," I am on Facebook...I don't post very often, but I do check regularly. Of course, if you have hit a "dry spell" with blogging, you shouldn't keep doing it just for your readers...it should be something that brings you joy.
Your schedule sounds absolutely brutal! Overworked new worker-bees at the giant investment banks get more sleep than you do!
Your blog IS funny - and it brings big smiles and nods from both of us (and I'm pretty sure, from all the other readers who have kids under 6).
It's not at the very top of my Google Reader's "must read" folder for nothing!
Keep up the good work! Here is hoping your teaching load gets lighter, one way or another...
Oh, and just to be an enabler: summer is the perfect time to join Facebook! I was scared of the time-suck, but found it be really absorbing for only the first week or two, as I friended people, checked out their photos, etc. After that, it's pretty low-maintenance.
I've been remiss at reading and commenting lately, but I've always loved reading what you write and observe about your life, your kids and just your thoughts in general. You have such an incisive (and humorous!) way of phrasing things and whether or not I have time to respond and let you know I'm "out there" in cyberspace, even if sadly not in your space, I always feel happier for the connection.
Now, I am going to lecture you on Facebook. People--including my husband--seem to have such blocks against Facebook, and I'm not really sure why. Sure, it CAN be a time-suck, but then again, so can writing a blog or any other leisure activity, so if you know you have the discipline to limit yourself, it doesn't need to be. And what I like about it (over keeping a blog, personally), is that it's two-way communication. You mention your thoughts, others weigh in, instead of writing and wondering if anyone's noticing. And then you are able to find out what's going on with other people as well. There are ways to keep your friend list from getting out of control, there are ways to make sure that your comments only get seen by the people you want to see them (and not others). I was a FB resister for a long time too, but I finally saw how it could be useful. As I say to Chris, you don't really get luddite points for not having a FB account, if you have a cellphone/keep a blog/etc.
There. Off my soapbox. School gets out in a WEEK and I am sorta terrified and excited to face the summer. I do have some summer camps lined up for the boys (even little Kirin has a soccer camp--only one hour a day for a single week, but he's very excited about it), but I also made sure to build in some downtime, no need to change out of pajamas kind of days. Also, a group of parents (of kids in Soren's class) got together and decided to host a "neighborhood kids' camp" - five kids, five parents, five houses, we each get a day organizing their activities. It's perfect. It's free (yay), and the kids get to play with each other all day. After all, isn't that what they really want? Could you see if any of E's kindergarten parents/friends would be up for something like that?
Thinking about you.
Kinnari
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