Coping

Edith has been absorbing a great deal of the adult conversation around here in the last week, related to our potentially making a major move. Her efforts to deal with it have been touching and sometimes heart-rending. She was so good with me and Tom most of last week, as we put off her requests for stories and talked a blue streak of logistics and weighty considerations during all waking moments we had together. She remained on her best behavior despite being ignored--sunny, patient, and seemingly at an even keel. Then something a little strange would happen that would tip us off that she was struggling to cope with all that she was hearing and only partially understanding.

One afternoon I went out to walk Bismarck, as I do many evenings. Apparently Edith stood at the window and cried the whole time we were gone. Another morning I was getting dressed after my shower and couldn't find the socks I thought I had laid out on the bed. The next day it was my bra. Just as I was concluding I had had a complete mental lapse, Edith ran into the room and announced, "Mommy, I put your bra into my crib to save it. It smells like mommy milk, so I can sleep with it when I can't have mommy milk." That's when I discovered she had a small stash of my clothes under her pillow: the bra, the socks, a shirt, a scarf. (Unfortunately, she did not have the mysteriously disappearing four-week-reserve library book...)

Tom and I figured that Edith was perhaps afraid that I was thinking about moving away by myself, not understanding that if we moved we would all go together. So one evening I told her explicitly that I was proud of how patient she had been with me and Daddy during all our talking in recent days. I explained that what we had been talking about was whether our whole family was going to move to a new home. Then I said that if we moved, we would all go together. Because we're a family, we love each other, and we'll always stay together. Edith didn't respond, but she seemed to be listening.

Last Friday Edith received a negative report from school, noting that she had been whiny and had asked for mommy much of the day, and that she had even hit Ms. Monika. So on Monday we explained to Ms. Bela what had been happening in the past week at our house and relayed our suspicion that Edith was afraid Mommy was moving away by herself. Ms. Bela asked me to repeat to her exactly the language we were using at home to try to reassure Edith, so she could use it at school, too.

When we picked Edith up at the end of the day, finding her in a marvelous mood, we heard from Ms. Bela just how thoughtful she had been in addressing Edith's anxieties. She had chosen a book about a family moving as the story for Circle Time. When Edith backed her away out of the circle and put her hands over her face--a tell-tale sign that she is scared--Ms. Bela took Edith on her lap, cuddled her, and talked to her about how her whole family would either stay here together or move together, like the family in the book. Then she had all the children talk about who is in each of their families. It's times like this that I most love and appreciate Edith's school setting.

Fortunately, it looks like she'll remain there for one more year. After all that discussion, we've opted for the 3-mile move next year, rather than the 3,000-mile move. That will probably be upheaval enough for our 3 year old.